The Secret of relationships

What are the secrets of a relationship?
How a relationship develops?

First comes attraction. You are attracted to someone. But what you are attracted [to], if you get very easily, the charm goes away; it dies out very fast. But what you are attracted to, if it becomes just a little bit difficult to have, then you develop love for it. Have you experienced this? Have you observed this?

Now, you fall in love; then what happens? After a while, soap opera begins. (laughter) Because you love someone, you give yourself and then you start demanding on that relationship. Now, here when you start demanding, the love diminishes. All the thrill, joy, everything seems to be fading away. So then you say, “Oh I have made a mistake.” Now there’s struggle and pain to get out of it, and after you’ve got out of it, you get into one more, another one; and the same story repeats.

What is that you want to know about relationships? It is really to see how it can be long lasting. Isn’t it? What is the secret about relationships you want to know? You want to know how it can be made long lasting, not how it can be cut off. That, of course, is no secret. (Sri Sri laughs) Everybody knows about it: Just push a button, a few more buttons very often. That’s it. That’s finished.

Three things are essential in any relationship: right perception, right observation, and right expression. Often people say that nobody understands them. Instead of saying “No one understands me,” you can say that you have not expressed properly. If you speak Russian to a Spanish, definitely they won’t understand. For that you need proper perception, right perception. Right perception can happen when you see yourself from the shoes of that person. When you stand in their shoes and look at that, at the situation.

Right perception, and right observation

OK, you have perceived right, but how do you react? How do you feel inside? What motivates you? What things are coming up from within you? Observing you own mind is essential, the second important aspect. This observation within you: observation of sensation, observation of tendencies, observation of patterns that we have... this is also essential.

Perception of the other; observation of oneself. and then, right expression. Expressing ourselves in the right manner.

And the whole life is a lesson of just these three things: perception, observation, and expression. Every mistake you make is really not a mistake; it’s a learning process of the three vital aspects of life. What do you say? Isn’t this so?

Perception needs to be expanded. Don’t just see the outer of someone. If someone is grumpy or a little finicky, we just hold them responsible for their behavior. But if we see from a wider angle lens, the many aspects will come together: OK. that person is finicky or fussy, or is stressed out for some reason, so that is reflecting in the relationship. So, widening our lens of perception… Not just looking at someone and accusing for what they are doing or what they did, but rather than accommodating them and seeing them from a larger picture. This will help in the relationship. [It’s] the first secret.
Second thing is to give (This, of course, you all know; relationship means it'’ giving.); the same time make the others give also.

Suppose you are doing all of the help, all of the service and then you don’t give the other person to do something in return. You are taking them away from their self worth. Sometimes people say, “Oh see, I did so much but still that person doesn’t love me.” Why? Because they feel uncomfortable. Love is when there is an exchange. And that can happen when you give them an opportunity also to do something to you.

This needs a little skill. You know, we have to be skillful in making the other also to contribute without demanding. The only way we know to get someone to do something for us is by demand. And then, if your partner doesn’t do something to you then also love cannot last because you will come on a self pity role saying, “See, I do everything. I’ve been used.” You say, “I’m being used.” You also make use of them if your love needs to grow. This thing—I’m being used—should be taken out of our consciousness. You should know that you are being useful; that’s why you’re used. (Laughter) If you’re useless, how can somebody use you? (Laughter)

Most of the relationships happen this way because we don’t have the skill of making the other person contribute. Don’t you think so? Isn’t it so?

You know, in ancient India, in the ancient times, they called the skillful taking as dokshina. In schools, in ancient schools, children were taken to the schools and they would study with the master, with the teacher, for 7, 8 years, 12 years. At the end of the 12th year they have to do, return something. They have to give something back: the thanks to the teacher, the fee. The fee that they would give was called dokshina: that which is given with great skill.

It’s very interesting, you know, how they would do that. Suppose a rich boy and a poor man boy both are studying in the same class. They would have a common classroom for everybody, you know; whether it’s from the prince or from the pauper. They had to study in one class. And then the master would ask the pauper—the very poor child—to bring money, and the child of the prince to do some menial job.

Now this boy who is from a poor family has to bring 10 gold coins. What he would do? He has no means. If the same would have been told to the prince, it’s very easy [to get???????] ten. He would bring 100; it’s so easy for him. But this poor boy would go around, he would write poems, he would make arts, he would do drawings, he would come up with some drama, or scriptures, or whatever. He would use all his creativity to get that money and come. So even the process of giving would expand his ability. So then he would gain so much confidence, “Yes, I have been asked to bring 10 gold coins. If I didn’t have the ability, Master wouldn’t have told me to do so. He told me I can do it, so I’ll be able to do it.” With that confidence he will move, he will go here and there, and he will get it. In this process of gaining these 10 gold coins, his abilities, his skills would all come out.

In the same way, the prince would be asked to clean the streets; would be asked to go and do some menial job. He would know, understand how a servant feels so he becomes sensitive. His sensitivity towards people will grow though he will live in a palace. That’s why this sort of exchange was called dokshina.

In a relationship, this is essential. You have to see that the other also contributes in your life so that they don’t feel completely like a worm, worthless. They also feel their self worth. For love to blossom, self worth is essential. Second important point, secret.
The third aspect of relationship is give them space. When you love someone, you’re just right on their neck. You don’t give them any breathing space and they suffocate. And suffocation destroys love. You should give them a space and you take your space. Respect each other’s space. Take some time off. The ancient people knew this. You know, they would say one month in a year…They would say this month husband and wife cannot cross the same door, so would send their wives to their mother’s home. And that is the month the postal department has maximum business. (Laughter), because then one month creates so much longing and they will write poems; all the creativity in them will come out. Love letters will flow from one city to another city.

For love to blossom, there needs to be longing, and longing needs a little space. If you destroy longing, if you don’t allow longing to come in your relationship--though it will be painful, little bit but it is inevitable—if it is not there then love does not grow. The charm is lost. So, give some space to them. Take some space for yourself.

And the fourth aspect in relationship is, relationship should be treated as a dessert, not as a main course. If your life is aimed at some goal, if there is some goal in your life, some aim in your life, then you move in the direction, relationship will move along. If all your focus is just on relationship, I tell you that is where it will not work. And it doesn’t work. You can’t have a dessert for your main course. You cannot eat it like that. See… if you have a goal in your life and then both of you have the same goal, then you will move along to that direction. Then that relationship lasts long.